Yesterday in my talk I told them about you, Lola. How I asked for your help nung muntik na kaming mahuli sa Parañaque last Thursday; o nung munitk na kaming ma-late nung Friday. I told them that I talk to you more often now; that I ask for your help in praying to God since you're literally closer to Him now. You can finally see what I do, Lola. I hope you're proud of me.
Growing up, I never felt like I belonged anywhere. My brother was an only boy who would always play outside, and my sister was the girly-girl playing with dolls and clothes with her friends. My cousins were either too old or too young for me to play with. Most of the time, I was pretty much left alone to entertain myself - usually with my nose blissfully buried in the pages of a book.
Growing up, I was never anyone's favorite. In the summer, my brother would enjoy the attention from my paternal grandmother, and my sister would bask in the love of my maternal grandmother. And I was perfectly fine with that - I never needed to be anyone's favorite. I just needed to be loved and wanted people to love. I knew my Lola loved me - and that was more than enough.
Among all of my cousins I am probably the one who had spent the least amount of time with her. A person even mentioned I didn't belong. That's fine. I never asked to be. I never felt like I did, anyway.
Growing up in Manila, I only saw her on vacations or when the family would visit her in Batangas. My sister, on the other hand, was one of her favorites. Si Lola ang laging kakampi ni Ate pag magka-away sila ni Mama. Si aming tatlong magkakapatid, si Ate ang mas madalas sumasama o nag-aalaga kay Lola. My sister is lucky to have experienced Lola. She would spend so much time with her; minsan dun pa siya matutulog sa tabi ni Lola. Si Lola naman, laging inaalala si Ate. Iba ang relationship nila. But I was never jealous; I knew Lola loved every one of us in her own way. I remember she had a collection of mugs in different shapes, colors, and sizes. When I asked her about the mugs, she said each mug represented a grandchild of hers.
When I was young, Lola lived with my mom's sister's family. When they had to move out of the house, she lived with my Ninang Anie and my two other cousins. After a number of years, she lived with another aunt and my four other cousins. My other cousin lived in the same area so she got to see Lola quite often too. I'm happy that Lola got to enjoy time with my cousins. It was unfortunate that my family did not enjoy the same amount of time with her. We spent most of our time in Manila and when we came home, our house was too far from the comforts of the city. When I started building my career, I lived in Manila and would visit my mom on weekends. Sometimes, I would visit Lola; most of the time I wasn't able to. I regret that now. In my travels I would always bring a pasalubong back for her - be it food, bag, or clothes. She would always be in my mind - I just wish I told her more often; and that I spent more time with her.
When I introduced Kelvin to her, she loved him at first sight. From then on, pag nakikita niya ako, si Kelvin ang hanap agad - kahit di pa kami kasal. I would playfuly remind her at times that I was her grandchild and not Kelvin.
I wished I had spent more time with her. I focused too much of my attention to my mom and dad that sometimes I would fail to visit her. I lived by my Mama's phone updates as to how Lola was, but I wish I came to see her more often. I loved her and thought of her all the time. I loved her in my own way, and she loved me in hers. I may not have spent as much time with her as the others did but it didn't mean that I loved her any less.
Thank you for understanding me, Lola. Thank you for all your advice. Thank you for teaching me the easiest way to cook adobo. Thank you for teaching me how to iron my clothes. Thank you for always telling me to use my "coconut shell". Thank you for loving Kelvin. Nung nasa ospital ka, buti pa kay Kelvin nagpayakap ka pa! You were yelling adamantly in your matriarchal voice, "Hug! Hug!"
Thank you for letting me take care of you even for a very short while. I never got that chance, and that's my fault. Thank you for letting me hold your hand; and thank you for holding my hand. Thank you for letting me hold you as Ninang Anie or Mama fed you. Thank you for leaning on my shoulder as you rest between spoonfuls of food. Thank you for rubbing your cheek against mine as I hugged you from behind. You couldn't talk clearly or as fast as you wanted but that's okay, Lola, I perfectly understood.
I know I promised to take you to the cathedral - I'm sorry I wasn't able to fulfill that promise, Lola. Gusto mo pa sana pumasyal kaso hindi na natuloy. Hinanap mo pa ang sasakyan namin at gusto mong mamasyal, kaso di na ulit natuloy. Sorry, Lola.
I'm sorry I was never there for you, Lola. I did what I could, but I know I could have done more. You deserved more.
Iniisip ko na lang at least ngayon mas nakakausap na kita. Para akong tanga minsan, kinakausap kita out loud, showing you the places I go to, and the things I do. Dito na lang ako bumabawi. Masakit lang kasi huli na ang lahat; wala ka na. Sorry, Lola.
Pero, promise, mahal naman talaga kita.
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